— for couples
Sex Therapy Exercises
for Couples
Practical exercises drawn from clinical sex therapy practice — designed to reduce pressure, rebuild connection, and help you understand each other more deeply.
These exercises come directly from my clinical practice, from the frameworks I use with couples, and from the course I created for couples experiencing desire discrepancy. They are not quick fixes. They are structured practices that, done consistently and honestly, create real change in how you relate to each other.
Some will feel uncomfortable. That’s usually a sign you’re working on something that matters. Go slowly, stay curious, and resist the urge to turn any of these into a performance.
If you’re working through significant challenges, these exercises work best alongside professional support. But for many couples, starting here — on your own terms, at your own pace — is exactly the right first step.
The Exercises
15 exercises to work through together
01
Reducing Pressure
What Input Do You Want?
The first step toward breaking the pressure cycle is to temporarily take sex off the table entirely. This exercise helps you define what physical contact actually feels welcome — and gives both of you clear, explicit permission to stop at any point.
The exercise
During this period, your partner will not be initiating sex. Each of you separately writes down: what kind of physical contact feels welcome right now? Kissing? Hugging? Being touched on the arm? Where is it ok, and where isn’t it?
Any connection can stop and start at any time. Talk to your partner about how you would signal that you’re done, without it becoming a rejection. Then share your answers with each other.
02
Reframing Sex
Changing Expectations
Most couples measure the success of a sexual experience by whether it led to penetration and orgasm. That standard quietly destroys desire over time. This exercise helps you build a new definition together.
The exercise
Each of you writes down what makes sex good for you aside from the physical pleasure. Think about all the good sexual experiences you have had. What was present? Connection? Playfulness? Feeling desired? Feeling safe?
Show each other your lists. Then decide together: what are your new shared expectations for sex? Is a good sexual experience going to be determined by penetration and orgasm — or by fun, connection, and presence?
03
Rebuilding Connection
What Did You Do in the Beginning?
Responsive desire opens up with connection, harmony, fun, ease, playfulness, and adventure. It doesn’t respond to loyalty or obligation. This exercise reconnects you with what actually creates the conditions for desire.
The exercise
Think about when you first met. What did you do to get the other person to like you? Did you show interest? Flirt? Plan things? Think about what they liked? How much of what you did in the beginning are you still doing now?
Share your answers. Then commit to treating your next few interactions as first dates on repeat — with the same curiosity and effort you brought at the beginning.
04
Expressing Attraction
Flirting Favorites
Flirting is just someone saying “I like you.” Most couples stop entirely once the relationship feels secure. This exercise maps how each of you gives and receives attraction.
The exercise
Step 1: Each of you writes down your favorite ways of having someone tell you they like you. What made you feel genuinely desired?
Step 2: Write down your favorite ways to tell someone you like them. How do you naturally express attraction?
Share both lists. The goal is to speak each other’s language.
05
Emotional Regulation
Staying With Feelings
This practice builds your capacity to stay present with difficult emotions rather than act from them. Individual daily practice.
The exercise
1. Name it. Identify the emotion: “I’m feeling rejected.”
2. Find it in your body. Where do you feel it physically?
3. Allow it without judgment. “It’s ok for this to be here.”
4. Stay present as thoughts arise. Return to the physical sensation each time.
5. Trust the process. Practice daily for 5-10 minutes, separate from any conversation with your partner.
06
Communication
Empathetic Listening
This exercise teaches you to respond to the feeling underneath a partner’s words, not the accusation on the surface.
The exercise
1. Breathe and notice your urge to defend.
2. Set aside whether their words are accurate.
3. Ask: what might they be feeling underneath?
4. Respond to that feeling first. Instead of “That’s not fair” — try “It sounds like you’re feeling really disconnected from me. That must be painful.”
Practice on a non-sex topic first — build the skill before applying it to the most charged conversations.
07
Daily Practice
The Emotional Bucket
A daily habit of specific, genuine appreciation that keeps the emotional connection alive.
The exercise
Each evening, each partner shares one specific thing they noticed about the other that day that they found attractive. Not “you look nice” but “I loved watching how patient you were on that call.”
The receiver’s only job is to hear it. No deflecting. Just: “thank you.” Commit to 30 days.
08
Pressure & Resentment
The Sexual Zen Check-in
A weekly private self-assessment to catch subtle punishment behaviors before they do damage.
The exercise
— Have I given my partner the silent treatment this week?
— Have I made any comments about how long it’s been?
— Have I withdrawn emotionally after being turned down?
— Have I been counting how many days it’s been?
No sharing required. Catching the behavior is the work.
09
Physical Safety
Creating the “Just This” Agreement
Removes the escalation assumption from all physical touch so both partners feel safe to initiate contact again.
The exercise
Agree together on a phrase — “just this” works well — that either partner can say at any point. It means: I want to stay at this level of contact without it going further.
When someone says “just this,” it is honored immediately, without question, without disappointment shown. When people feel safe to stop, they are paradoxically more willing to start.
10
Deeper Work
Inner Child Dialogue
A six-step individual visualization for making contact with a wounded younger self and offering what was missing. Personal practice.
The exercise
1. Visualize yourself at the age when a core wound first formed.
2. Notice details: how old, what are you wearing, where are you?
3. Begin a dialogue: “I see you’re feeling [emotion]. What happened? What do you need?”
4. From your adult self, offer what was missing: safety, validation, protection, love.
5. Imagine embracing this younger part of yourself.
6. Do this individually. Repeat when you notice a strong emotional reaction in your relationship.
11
Communication — NVC
Non-Violent Communication
The four-step OFNR framework for expressing a need without it landing as an attack. Write it out before you say it.
The exercise
Observation: What happened, without evaluation. “We haven’t been physical in three weeks.”
Feeling: How that leaves you. “I feel distant and a little insecure.”
Need: The underlying need. “I need to feel close to you and desired.”
Request: A specific, doable ask. “Would you be willing to spend an evening this week just being close, with no expectation of where it goes?”
12
Sexual Communication
The Yes / No / Maybe List
Removes the need to verbally negotiate in the moment by mapping preferences on paper first. Independent, then compare.
The exercise
Each partner independently marks activities as:
Yes — enthusiastic
No — off the table
Maybe — open in the right context
Only overlapping Yes items are actively on the table. Search “Yes No Maybe list couples” for a free printable version. Revisit every few months.
13
Emotional Intimacy — Gottman
The Eight Dates Conversation
Five structured questions for the sex and intimacy date. One partner speaks, one listens. No fixing, no rebuttals.
The exercise
— What does physical intimacy mean to you beyond the act?
— What makes you feel most desired by me?
— What gets in the way of you wanting to be close to me?
— Is there something you’ve wanted to tell me about our intimate life but haven’t?
— What would make you feel safer being vulnerable with me sexually?
One person speaks uninterrupted. The other only listens. Then switch.
14
Deep Listening — Imago
The Imago Dialogue
Three-step structured conversation: Mirroring, Validating, Empathizing. No advice, no rebuttals. Turn-based.
The exercise
Partner A shares. Partner B responds using three steps:
Mirroring: “What I heard you say is… Did I get that right? Is there more?”
Validating: “What you’re saying makes sense to me because…”
Empathizing: “I imagine you might be feeling…”
Then switch. No advice. No rebuttals. Just contact.
15
Pattern Recognition — EFT
Mapping Your Negative Cycle
Each partner maps their side of the cycle. Then share. The goal: see the pattern as the enemy, not each other.
The exercise
Each partner independently answers:
What triggers me? (when partner does / doesn’t initiate)
What do I feel underneath?
What do I do? (pursue, withdraw, criticize)
What does my partner then do?
What does that trigger in them?
Share and draw the cycle together. When the pattern starts, both of you say “there it is again” — not “you’re doing it again.”
— want to go deeper?
These exercises are drawn from
the complete couples course.
The Intimacy Course walks you through all of this in sequence — 10 modules, 24 hours of content, and structured worksheets to complete together. Built for couples experiencing mismatched desire who want to work through it on their own terms, from home.
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