— sex therapy exercises
Understanding your wounding
Feelings are functional — they tell us about our world. But when there is wounding, feelings become irrational and no longer accurately represent reality. This exercise helps you trace the feeling back to its root.
← Back to all exercises— why this is hard
We understand feelings through the lens of our past
When someone says “you don’t love me,” they are usually not describing the present moment objectively. They are feeling an old wound reactivated by something current. If they have a history of feeling unloved, even the slightest inkling of that feeling in this relationship will send them straight there — and they will say “you don’t love me” rather than “that old feeling is coming up for me right now.”
For the person hearing it, this can feel completely irrational — because it often is, by objective measure. The natural instinct is to correct it: “That’s crazy, I love you, you shouldn’t feel like that.”
But that response — however well-intentioned — invalidates the feeling. It makes the feeling bigger, not smaller. And it leaves the person feeling more alone, not less.
— example
“You don’t love me.”
You know this is not true. You love this person deeply. Your instinct is to say so — firmly, with evidence.
But the most effective response is not to argue the fact. It is to acknowledge the feeling: “I am so sorry you are feeling like that. I do not want you to feel that way.” You are not agreeing that you do not love them. You are agreeing that what they are feeling right now is real — and that it matters.
— the exercise
How to hold a feeling
1
The speaker talks about themselves and their feelings — not about the other person. “I feel like a failure” rather than “you are never happy with me.”
2
The person receiving must suspend their own feelings for later so they can actually listen. The moment you get involved in how you feel about what is being said, you can no longer hear your partner.
3
Avoid defensiveness. You cannot listen and be defensive at the same time — it is not possible. If you notice yourself getting defensive, that is a red flag. Back out of it and start over: “Wait — I was getting defensive. Let me try again.”
4
As your partner states their pain, you may think it is unfair, irrational, or untrue. It does not matter. What matters is that it is true for them, in this moment.
5
Imagine what it must be like to feel what your partner feels. Really try to inhabit it. Imagine feeling rejected, unloved, not good enough — and let that land before you respond.
6
If empathy is hard — especially with someone you have conflict with — ask yourself: if a close friend told me they were feeling this way, what would I say? Most people would say: “That sucks. You should not have to feel that way.” Use that.
7
Ask questions. Being curious shows you want to understand, not just wait for your turn.
- “Have you always felt like this?”
- “Do you feel this more at certain times than others?”
8
Ask if there is anything you can do right now. Often the answer is no — and that is fine. Some people just need to vent. Ask first rather than jumping into problem-solving mode.
9
Ask yourself: in what way is what my partner is saying actually true? Even finding one small piece of it that is true — and acknowledging it — goes a long way.
Take turns — each partner practices receiving while the other shares
— watch for these
Two patterns that shut the exercise down
Defensive mode
When you are being defensive, you are not listening. You are focused entirely on your own response — building your case, protecting yourself — and you have completely left the space where holding is possible.
If you notice yourself getting defensive, back out of it. Say it out loud: “I was getting defensive — let me try again.” Then start over.
Fix-it mode
When someone tells us about their pain, the instinct is to fix it — to problem-solve, to find a way out, to make the feeling stop. This is usually not what is needed.
The person has most likely spent endless hours trying to figure it out themselves. What they need is not a solution — it is someone to stay with them in the feeling. Ask first: “Do you need me to help find ways to resolve this, or do you just need me to listen?”
— the exercise series