— sex therapy exercises
Holding your partner’s feelings
If you are going to share your wounds from the previous exercises, you need to feel safe. This is how you create that safety — not by fixing or problem-solving, but by learning to hold your partner’s feeling as real, even when it seems irrational.
← Back to all exercises— part one
Anytime you get a big feeling, ask yourself:
- Why does this matter to me?
- Why does this upset me?
- Why do I care?
- What does it mean to me that this is happening?
- What will happen if this continues?
- What does it say about me that this is happening?
— part two
After each answer, ask: why is that so bad?
Keep asking until you reach the bottom. The root wounding is usually a core belief about yourself:
- “I am not lovable”
- “I am a failure”
- “I am not valuable”
- “I am not desirable”
Once you find that sentence — that is your theme.
Ask yourself if you have felt this at other times in your life. Create a history of it — trace how it has shaped your choices, reactions, and relationships.
— example
Dave wants to have sex more than Jaime does. He asks: why does it bother me when she does not want to?
First answer: “Because I want to have sex.” But that is not really it — plenty of people go without sex for months without feeling this angry. So ask again.
What does it mean if she does not want to? It means she does not desire me. What is so bad about that? It means I am not valuable.
There it is — the root.
If you cannot reach the wounding this way:
Think about the worst experience you have ever had. Apply the same questions to that experience and see where they lead you.
Practice this individually, then share your themes with each other
— the exercise series
— want guided support?
These exercises work best with a therapist
If you are finding these exercises difficult to navigate on your own, therapy can help you work through the underlying dynamics at your own pace.
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