Sex and Relationship Therapy

Helping You Navigate The Path To Deeper Relational Understanding And Intimacy.
Schedule Appointment

Understanding Your Wounding

Feelings are functional because they tell us about our world. But when there is wounding, then the feelings become irrational and don’t accurately represent our world.

1. Anytime you get a big feeling, ask yourself:

  • Why does this matter to me?
  • Why does this upset me?
  • Why do I care?
  • What does it mean to me that this is happening?
  • What will happen if this continues to happen?
  • What does it say about me that this is happening?

2. After you get a response, ask yourself, why is that so bad?

  • Keep on asking that until you get to the bottom of it, most often the root wounding is something about what you believe about yourself like, “I am not lovable”, “I am a failure”, “I’m not valuable”, “I’m not desirable”
  • Once you get to a sentence like this, realize this is your theme. Ask yourself if you have felt this at other times of your life. Create a history of the theme/feeling and how it has affected your life.

Example: Dave wants to have sex and Jaime doesn’t as much. He would ask himself, why does it bother me that she won’t have sex?

Most people will answer, because I want to have sex.

But that’s not really the case; a lot of people go without sex sometimes for months and years, and they don’t feel so angry about it. It’s probably because it means something.

So, ask again, what does it mean if she doesn’t want to have sex? Well, it means that she doesn’t desire me. What’s so bad about that? Because it means I am not valuable.

If you can’t get to wounding this way, I want you to take a moment and think about the worst experience you have ever had. Ask yourself the questions listed above.