What Is Often Overlooked In Mismatched Libidos
When sexual desire fades in a relationship, it often stems from the pressure both partners feel—whether it’s the pressure to perform, meet expectations, or maintain a sexual routine that no longer feels natural. This pressure can create a cycle of anxiety and avoidance, further eroding desire and intimacy.
Research highlights that low sexual desire is alarmingly prevalent among women, with many consenting to unwanted sex to avoid conflict or meet societal expectations (West et al., 2008; Brotto, 2018). One of the most effective ways to tackle this issue is by removing the pressure from the equation. When individuals are free from the need to meet someone else’s expectations, they can explore their own desires genuinely and without inhibition.
This can be especially liberating for women, who often feel societal pressures to prioritize their partner’s desires over their own. By focusing on what they truly want—without the constraints of expectation—they can reconnect with their sexuality in a way that feels authentic and empowering.
This journey is challenging, requiring patience, empathy, and a willingness to delve into the deeper emotional layers that influence sexual behavior. It may involve revisiting past wounds, understanding the impact of relational patterns, and developing new ways to connect intimately without the weight of expectation. As individuals explore their sexuality free from the pressure to meet expectations or fulfill someone else’s desires, they open up a world of possibilities. This process can be incredibly liberating, allowing them to experiment, discover, and enjoy sexual activities that truly resonate with them.
As they begin to pursue what they genuinely want, rather than what they feel they should do, they often develop a stronger sense of security and confidence in their sexual selves. This newfound freedom can lead to more fulfilling and creative sexual experiences, ultimately enhancing both their individual well-being and their connection with their partner.
Case Example: Margaret's Struggle with Sexual Desire
Margaret sought therapy after her fiancé, Toby, issued an ultimatum: if she didn’t resolve her sexual issues, he would leave her. Toby made it clear that he wasn’t willing to marry unless their sexual relationship improved. Upon deeper exploration, it became evident that Margaret, like many women, had been engaging in sex not out of genuine desire but as a means to avoid conflict or appease her fiancé. She was having sex to get him off her back or to prevent him from becoming upset, rather than because she truly wanted to.
When Toby learned this, his reaction was a mix of frustration and concern. He expressed that he didn’t want Margaret to feel forced into having sex when she wasn’t interested, but he also emphasized that he had needs he felt were going unmet. This left Margaret in a difficult position. She didn’t want to lose Toby or jeopardize their relationship, yet she was becoming increasingly repulsed by sex, to the point where the thought of being intimate with him caused her anxiety and dread.
Margaret was trapped in a cycle of obligation and resentment. The more she felt pressured to have sex, the more she recoiled from it. This dynamic strained not only their sexual relationship but also began to erode the emotional connection between them. Toby’s ultimatum, though rooted in his own frustration, added to the pressure Margaret felt, intensifying her feelings of repulsion.
As we explored her feelings in therapy, it became clear that Margaret’s aversion to sex was deeply intertwined with her emotions and sense of self. She felt inadequate and guilty for not meeting Toby’s expectations, which only deepened her disinterest in sex. This created a vicious cycle where the more she felt obligated to have sex, the more disconnected she became from her own desires and needs.
Margaret didn’t know what to do. She felt torn between wanting to satisfy Toby and maintain their relationship, and her growing discomfort with sex. Therapy sessions focused on helping Margaret understand that her sexual desire—or lack thereof—was a valid part of her experience. We worked on disentangling her sense of obligation from her sexual identity, allowing her to start reclaiming her autonomy in the relationship.
Margaret’s participation in sex out of obligation rather than desire led to a complete shutdown of her sexual interest. Her eventual rejection of sex, marked by the statement, “I hate sex; I think it is disgusting. I’m done with it,” underscores the profound impact of ongoing coercion and trauma. This rejection served as a self-preservation mechanism, protecting her from further emotional harm.
Toby’s role in this dynamic was also crucial. He needed to understand that pressuring Margaret into sex, even indirectly, was contributing to her aversion. The challenge was to find a balance where both partners’ needs could be acknowledged and addressed without resorting to ultimatums or coercion.
Through therapy, we aimed to rebuild their relationship on a foundation of mutual respect and open communication, rather than obligation and resentment. This involved helping Toby recognize the impact of his demands and assisting Margaret in finding her voice to express her true feelings and needs without fear of losing her relationship. The goal was to foster an environment where both partners felt heard, valued, and free to be themselves, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling and consensual sexual connection.
The Problem With Traditional Approaches
Traditional advice often focuses on increasing sexual desire in the partner with lower interest by addressing inhibitions, trauma, or communication issues. However, this approach can be counterproductive, as it may inadvertently add more pressure on the individual already feeling overwhelmed. The core issue lies in the pressure itself, and any intervention that amplifies this pressure is likely to worsen the problem. Instead of concentrating on boosting desire, the intervention should prioritize reducing the pressure, creating space for a more natural and genuine exploration of desire.
How To Reduce The Pressure?
1. Stop Having Sex You Don’t Want To Have
It’s common in many relationships to engage in sexual activity even when you may not fully want to at that moment, and that’s often seen as normal. However, when this pattern becomes consistent, it can lead to a gradual decline in sexual desire over time. To prevent this, it’s crucial to establish an agreement where both partners commit to engaging in sex only when it is genuinely wanted by both parties. This approach doesn’t mean abstaining from sex altogether but focuses on ensuring that sexual encounters are mutually desired, fostering a healthier and more fulfilling sexual relationship.
For the partner with higher sexual desire, this might involve learning to manage feelings of frustration, insecurity, or rejection when sex is less frequent. For the partner with lower desire, it might mean becoming more comfortable with their partner’s reactions, understanding that it’s okay for them to express their feelings without it being seen as a demand or ultimatum. This mutual understanding helps create a more balanced and respectful dynamic, ultimately leading to a stronger and more satisfying connection for both partners.
2. Stop Asking For Sex
Taking a step back from pursuing the sexual relationship you want—or feel you deserve—can be incredibly challenging, especially if you’re already feeling frustrated or upset. However, this temporary retreat is not about punishment or denial; it’s about creating a healthier, more balanced dynamic that ultimately brings you closer to where you want to be.
Why Step Back?
The goal of stepping back is to address longstanding patterns that may be causing tension or dissatisfaction in your relationship. By reducing pressure on your partner, you create space for natural desire and connection to flourish. This approach fosters a more inviting and comfortable environment for intimacy, benefiting both partners in the long run.
Embracing Calmness and Patience
Adopting a Zen-like attitude towards sex involves cultivating calmness and patience during this transitional period. While it can be difficult, it’s essential for transforming your relationship dynamics. Here are some strategies to help you through this process:
Set a Time Frame
Establish a clear, defined period for this new approach—such as six months. Having a timeframe helps alleviate anxiety by reassuring yourself that this change is not indefinite. It provides a sense of control and purpose, making it easier to commit to the process and observe its effects over time.
Seek Support Outside the Relationship
It’s natural to want to express your frustrations and challenges during this period. However, to maintain reduced pressure within the relationship, it’s beneficial to share these feelings with someone other than your partner. Consider the following support avenues:
- Therapy: Scheduling sessions with a therapist offers a safe and constructive space to explore your emotions and receive professional guidance.
- Friends or Support Groups: Talking to trusted friends or joining support groups can provide comfort and shared experiences, helping you feel less isolated in your journey.
By discussing your feelings outside the relationship, you prevent additional pressure from building between you and your partner, allowing for a more relaxed and open atmosphere.
3. Practice Emotional Regulation Techniques
Navigating feelings of rejection or undesirability is crucial during this time. Building skills to manage these challenging emotions can prevent impulsive reactions that might slow down your progress. Consider these strategies:
Mindfulness Meditation: Engaging in regular mindfulness can help you remain grounded and observe your emotions without judgment, lowering stress and enhancing emotional resilience.
Journaling: Documenting your thoughts and feelings can bring clarity, making it easier to process and manage complex emotions in a constructive way.
Deep Breathing Exercises: Practicing simple breathing techniques can quickly soothe the nervous system, allowing you to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively in difficult situations.
By mastering your emotional responses, you foster a more nurturing environment for both yourself and your partner, promoting healthier communication and deeper understanding.
4. Change Performance Expectations
Navigating feelings of rejection or undesirability is crucial during this time. Building skills to manage these challenging emotions can prevent impulsive reactions that might slow down your progress. Consider these strategies:
Mindfulness Meditation: Engaging in regular mindfulness can help you remain grounded and observe your emotions without judgment, lowering stress and enhancing emotional resilience.
Journaling: Documenting your thoughts and feelings can bring clarity, making it easier to process and manage complex emotions in a constructive way.
Deep Breathing Exercises: Practicing simple breathing techniques can quickly soothe the nervous system, allowing you to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively in difficult situations.
By mastering your emotional responses, you foster a more nurturing environment for both yourself and your partner, promoting healthier communication and deeper understanding.
Adopting a Zen approach to sex involves patience, self-reflection, and emotional growth. By consciously reducing pressure and focusing on personal development and emotional regulation, you create the foundation for a more satisfying and balanced sexual relationship. Remember, this is a journey, not a quick fix—embracing it fully can lead to meaningful and lasting improvements in your relationship dynamics.
5. Restructure Societal Expectations
Both women and men face significant societal pressures that profoundly affect their sexual relationships and self-perception. These pressures, rooted in deeply ingrained cultural norms and expectations around sexuality, dictate how individuals should behave and feel in intimate relationships.
For women, there is a pervasive expectation to conform to ideals of sexual availability and desirability. This often means feeling obligated to engage in sexual activity, even when it conflicts with their own desires, simply to meet the perceived needs of their partner or to avoid societal judgment. Such pressure can be particularly burdensome, leading to feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and confusion about their true needs. When a woman feels that her worth is tied to her sexual attractiveness or her ability to satisfy her partner, it can become challenging for her to assert her boundaries or express her genuine desires. This internal conflict can erode her sense of self, cause emotional distress, and ultimately affect her sexual desire and the overall health of her relationship.
Men, on the other hand, often encounter pressures related to performance and sexual dominance. Cultural narratives frequently emphasize that a man’s value is linked to his sexual prowess and ability to maintain control in the bedroom. This expectation can create substantial stress and anxiety, especially when a man feels he is not living up to these ideals. Like women, men may also experience guilt and inadequacy, particularly when faced with issues such as erectile dysfunction or low libido, which can be perceived as failures to meet the masculine ideal.
For both genders, these societal pressures create a challenging environment for open communication about sexual needs and boundaries. The fear of judgment, rejection, or failure often leads to the suppression of true feelings, making it difficult to have honest and meaningful conversations about sex. This lack of communication can perpetuate feelings of dissatisfaction and disconnect in a relationship, highlighting the importance of both partners recognizing these pressures and working together to foster a more supportive and understanding dynamic.
By acknowledging and challenging these societal norms, both men and women can begin to cultivate a healthier approach to sex and intimacy. Open communication, mutual respect, and a shared understanding of each other’s needs are essential steps toward building a more fulfilling and equitable sexual relationship.
6. Improve Communication
Effective communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, particularly when discussing sensitive topics like sex. Open dialogue fosters trust, intimacy, and understanding, allowing both partners to express their needs, desires, and concerns without fear of judgment. This transparency helps prevent misunderstandings and conflicts, ultimately strengthening the relationship. However, discussing sex can be challenging due to the emotional intensity involved. Hurt feelings, insecurities, and past experiences can create barriers that make it difficult to have honest conversations about sexual needs and desires.
Being aware of emotions during these discussions is crucial. Mindfulness of both your own feelings and those of your partner helps navigate the conversation with empathy and compassion. Recognizing when hurt or frustration is influencing behavior allows you to address the root cause rather than reacting impulsively. For example, understanding that feelings of rejection may underlie your partner’s reluctance to engage in sexual activity can lead to a more supportive and constructive dialogue.
Managing emotional reactions is key to maintaining a healthy sexual relationship, especially when there’s a discrepancy in sexual desire. The partner with higher desire may need to learn how to cope with feelings of frustration or insecurity without resorting to anger or emotional withdrawal. Conversely, the partner with lower desire must become more tolerant of their partner’s emotional responses, accepting that it’s normal for the other to feel upset or disappointed at times. This mutual acceptance enables both partners to express their emotions honestly, without fear of causing harm or escalating conflict.
Discussing sex can be particularly difficult when past experiences or misunderstandings have led to hurt feelings. These conversations often touch on deeply personal and vulnerable aspects of a relationship, making it easy for partners to feel rejected or misunderstood. Healing these emotional wounds is critical for fostering open communication. By acknowledging and discussing these pain points, partners can work together to heal, preventing these issues from further damaging their relationship. This process of emotional regulation and open dialogue helps both partners feel more secure and connected, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling and balanced sexual relationship.
When one partner doesn’t want to have sex, the other may naturally question what that means about the relationship or themselves. Thoughts like “Does this mean they don’t love me?” or “Am I not attractive enough?” or even “Are they interested in someone else?” can quickly spiral, especially if there’s a history of feeling unwanted or rejected.
This situation is particularly painful when past experiences have heightened sensitivity to rejection. If you’ve always felt desired or wanted and suddenly that changes, it can be deeply hurtful. These unresolved feelings can resurface and cause emotional pain, turning into pain points—specific triggers that evoke a strong emotional response.
Recognizing these pain points is crucial. Understanding them is the first step toward healing, as it allows you to address the root cause of your feelings rather than letting them fester and negatively impact your relationship. Once you’re aware of these triggers, you can work on managing your emotions and communicating more effectively with your partner, helping to prevent misunderstandings and reduce the emotional toll these issues can take on both you and your relationship.
7. Increase Sexual Autonomy
Rebuilding sexual autonomy involves creating a safe space where both partners can explore their desires and boundaries without fear or pressure. When one partner is allowed to rediscover their sexuality on their own terms, it can lead to a stronger sense of self, greater security, and increased confidence within the relationship. This process helps both partners feel more connected and aligned in their sexual relationship. Below are exercises designed to foster sexual autonomy and enhance mutual respect and understanding.
8. Rekindle The Past
Start showing up for your partner as if you were going on a first date. Early in your relationship, you probably made an extra effort to impress, make them feel special, and build a connection. As time goes on and comfort sets in, that effort may have dwindled. However, for many women, desire often needs a spark to ignite. It’s unrealistic to expect your partner to feel sexually attracted if you’re showing up disheveled, in sweatpants, and in a bad mood, assuming they’ll be ready and willing just because you are.
9. Get Professional Help
Often, the pressure to engage in sex can be linked to deeper emotional issues, such as fear of rejection, past traumas, or unresolved conflicts.
Identifying and addressing these underlying issues is essential for breaking the cycle of coercion and rebuilding a healthy sexual relationship.
If your DYI efforts are not producing results, you may need to seek professional help. Some issues are complicated and need someone with experience and knowledge.