— relationships & desire
The leading cause of a sexless marriage
It’s rarely about attraction. It’s rarely about love. Most of the time, when sex disappears from a relationship, the culprit is something much quieter — and much more fixable.
— the real problem
Here’s what I see again and again in my practice: one partner stops wanting sex. The other partner wants it more. The one who wants it starts asking, hinting, initiating. The one who doesn’t want it starts bracing, avoiding, going through the motions to keep the peace.
And then, slowly, sex disappears almost entirely.
The couple usually comes to me thinking the problem is desire — that something is broken in the partner who’s checked out. But more often than not, the real issue is pressure. Not desire. Pressure.
When sex becomes something you feel obligated to do rather than something you genuinely want, your body will eventually refuse to cooperate. This isn’t a character flaw. It’s a completely predictable human response — and understanding it is the first step toward changing it.
— from the therapy room
Margaret and Toby
Margaret came to see me after her fiancé Toby gave her an ultimatum: fix the sexual problems or the engagement was off. She sat across from me and told me she didn’t understand what was wrong with her. She loved Toby. She wanted their relationship to work. But the thought of having sex with him had started to make her feel anxious. Then repulsed. Then nothing at all.
As we talked, something became clear: Margaret hadn’t been having sex because she wanted to. She’d been having it to avoid conflict. To get him off her back. To prevent the argument she knew was coming if she said no again. Over time, sex had become a chore she dreaded rather than an experience she chose.
When Toby heard this, he didn’t take it well at first. He said he didn’t want her to have sex out of obligation — but also that he had needs, and he wasn’t going to live in a relationship where those needs went unmet. The ultimatum, he felt, was reasonable. Margaret felt it as a wall closing in.
“I hate sex. I think it’s disgusting. I’m done with it.”
Margaret, after months of sex driven by obligation rather than desire
That statement wasn’t just frustration. It was her nervous system drawing a hard line. When we have sex repeatedly in a state of anxiety, resentment, or pure obligation — our bodies start to associate sex itself with those feelings. The aversion becomes automatic. Protective.
Therapy for Margaret and Toby wasn’t about getting her to want sex again. It was about dismantling the pressure system that had killed her desire in the first place — and helping Toby understand that his role in that system was significant, even if unintentional.
— why common advice backfires
More effort isn’t always the answer
Most conventional advice for low desire focuses on the partner who isn’t interested — help them work through their inhibitions, their past trauma, their communication patterns. And those things matter. But when that advice lands in a relationship already saturated with pressure, it just adds more weight to the pile.
The real lever isn’t desire. It’s pressure. Reduce the pressure, and desire often returns on its own. The steps below aren’t about trying harder. They’re about letting go of the patterns that are making things worse.
— nine ways to change the dynamic
Where to start
01
Stop having sex you don’t want to have
Going through the motions to keep the peace feels like a solution in the moment. But over time, unwanted sex teaches your body that sex is something to endure — and eventually, your body refuses to play along at all. The goal isn’t less sex. It’s only sex that both people actually want.
Homework: How To Know Whether You Are In The Mood?
02
Stop asking for sex
If you’re the partner who wants more, stepping back from pursuing sex — the asking, the hinting, the subtle pressure — feels like giving up. It isn’t. It’s creating the space where desire can actually breathe. Give yourself a defined window — six months is a reasonable experiment — and find somewhere else to put your frustrations during that time.
Homework: Staying With Feelings
03
Practice emotional regulation
When your partner doesn’t want sex, feelings of rejection and inadequacy are real. But if they drive your behavior, they tend to make the problem worse. Mindfulness, journaling, and breathing exercises build the emotional muscle you need to stay steady — and when you can manage your own reactions, you stop being part of the pressure system that’s driving your partner away.
Homework: Staying With Feelings
04
Let go of performance expectations
When intimacy becomes something you’re expected to execute rather than experience, it stops being intimate at all. For many people — particularly women — letting go of performance expectations is less about permission and more about unlearning a lifetime of messaging that their sexual worth is tied to what they do for someone else. When that pressure lifts, curiosity returns. And curiosity is where desire lives.
Homework: Redefine Sexual Goals
05
Name the societal noise
Both men and women carry messages about how often they should want sex and what it means if they don’t. Women often feel pressure to be available. Men often feel pressure to be capable. Neither is a fair standard. Part of the work in therapy is simply naming these messages out loud — recognizing them as external noise rather than personal truth.
Homework: Creating New Value System
06
Have better conversations about sex
When one partner doesn’t want sex, the other’s mind fills in the blanks: they don’t find me attractive. They’re interested in someone else. These stories feel true and they’re rarely accurate. Good communication here isn’t about having the right words — it’s about understanding your own pain points before you open your mouth, and saying what you’re actually feeling without making it your partner’s fault.
Homework: “I” Statements · Holding Feelings · What Is Your Pain Point?
07
Rebuild sexual autonomy
Sexual autonomy simply means having a say in your own sexual experience — being able to express what you want, what you don’t want, and what you’re curious about, without it becoming a negotiation or an obligation. When that autonomy gets eroded over years of obligation-driven sex, rebuilding it takes intention. These exercises help both partners develop a clearer sense of their own desires and a more respectful curiosity about each other’s.
Homework: What Kind Of Input Do You Want? · First Date · What Do You Want More Of?
08
Reignite the spark — outside the bedroom
Think back to early in your relationship. You were probably more interesting then — not because you were different, but because you were putting effort in. Desire, especially for women, is often responsive rather than spontaneous. It follows connection, novelty, feeling desired as a person first. Schedule something genuinely fun once a week. No expectation of sex. Just a reason to be present with each other again.
09
When DIY isn’t enough
The steps above work — but they work best when the underlying dynamic isn’t too far gone. When fear of rejection, past trauma, or years of resentment are driving the pattern, those layers need more than homework and good intentions. They need someone who knows how to work with them.
There’s no shame in that. Some problems are genuinely complex. Seeking help isn’t a sign that your relationship is failing — it’s a sign you care enough to do something about it.
You deserve a relationship where sex feels like a choice, not an obligation.
Whether you’re ready to work with someone or want to start with a structured framework on your own — there’s a path forward.
Struggling with different
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