Margaret came to see me after her fiancé issued an ultimatum: if she didn’t sort out her sexual issues, he was going to leave her. He made it clear that he wasn’t willing to get married if their sexual relationship didn’t improve. Upon delving deeper into the situation, it became apparent that Margaret, like many women, had been engaging in sex not out of desire but as a means to avoid conflict or to appease her fiancé. She was having sex to get him off her back or to prevent him from becoming upset, rather than because she genuinely wanted to.

When her fiancé, Toby, learned this, his reaction was a mix of frustration and concern. He expressed that he didn’t want her to feel forced into having sex when she wasn’t interested, but he also emphasized that he had needs that he felt were going unmet. This put Margaret in a difficult position. On one hand, she didn’t want to lose Toby or jeopardize their relationship. On the other hand, she was becoming increasingly repulsed by sex, to the point where the thought of being intimate with him caused her anxiety and dread.

Margaret was trapped in a cycle of obligation and resentment. The more she felt pressured to have sex, the more she recoiled from it. This dynamic not only strained their sexual relationship but also began to erode the emotional connection between them. Toby’s ultimatum, though rooted in his own frustration, added to the pressure Margaret felt, exacerbating her feelings of repulsion.

As we explored her feelings in therapy, it became clear that Margaret’s aversion to sex was not just about the physical act but was deeply intertwined with her emotions and sense of self. She felt inadequate and guilty for not meeting Toby’s expectations, which only deepened her disinterest in sex. This created a vicious cycle where the more she felt obligated to have sex, the more disconnected she became from her own desires and needs.

Margaret didn’t know what to do. She felt torn between wanting to satisfy Toby and maintain their relationship, and her own growing discomfort with sex. The therapy sessions focused on helping Margaret understand that her sexual desire—or lack thereof—was a valid part of her experience. We worked on disentangling her sense of obligation from her sexual identity, allowing her to start reclaiming her autonomy in the relationship.

Toby’s role in this dynamic was also crucial. He needed to understand that pressuring Margaret into sex, even indirectly, was contributing to her aversion. The challenge was to find a balance where both partners’ needs could be acknowledged and addressed without resorting to ultimatums or coercion.

Through therapy, we aimed to rebuild their relationship on a foundation of mutual respect and open communication, rather than obligation and resentment. This involved helping Toby recognize the impact of his demands and assisting Margaret in finding her voice to express her true feelings and needs without fear of losing her relationship. The goal was to foster an environment where both partners felt heard, valued, and free to be themselves, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling and consensual sexual connection.