— sexual desire
Top 10 reasons your partner doesn’t desire you
Lack of sexual desire rarely stems from a single cause. These are the most common patterns I see in therapy — and most of them have more to do with the relational dynamic than with the person who has lost desire.
Marisol G. Westberg, Ph.D., LMFT
Sex therapist & educator
Lack of sexual desire can be challenging to navigate or understand. It almost always stems from multiple interrelated factors rather than a single cause. The patterns below reflect what I commonly encounter in therapy — not any specific individual.
01
The way you show up is not sexy
Many people think sex should happen regardless of effort, but desire often hinges on how you present yourself. If you are not putting in the effort to be attractive, attentive, and considerate — as you would have in the early stages of the relationship — your partner will be less inclined toward intimacy. Sex is not an entitlement. It requires consistent effort to keep the spark alive.
02
She is having sex she does not want to have
If your partner is having sex with you just to keep you quiet or to avoid your anger or sadness, her desire for you will gradually fade. Obligatory sex does not sustain desire — it erodes it. The more it becomes a duty rather than a genuine choice, the more disconnected she becomes from her own desire.
03
Stress and anxiety
Women's sexual desire tends to be responsive — heavily affected by stress, exhaustion, anxiety, and an overloaded mental load. Sexual desire decreases for women after they set up house with a partner, and it is still a fact that most household and family management falls to women. When tired and stressed, they lose desire. A running to-do list keeps them living in their heads — and desire resides in the body. You cannot access the body from the head.
04
Conflict in the relationship
When the relationship is conflictual, responsive desire shuts down. People argue endlessly over sex, often because they lack the communication skills to express hurt without putting each other on the defensive. When you are hurt and defensive, you cannot communicate well — and you certainly cannot feel desire.
05
Lack of space
The main premise in Mating in Captivity is that desire needs space to thrive, much like fire needs air. When you are always together, it is hard to see your partner with fresh eyes or feel that sense of awe for who they are. Creating distance — even within a relationship — allows desire to breathe and flourish.
06
Parent/child relational dynamics
When one partner takes on most responsibilities because they do not trust the other to handle them, it creates a significant imbalance. The partner who manages everything often feels overwhelmed; the other may feel criticized and inadequate. This dynamic — where one becomes the caretaker and the other passively waits — erodes sexual desire. Most people do not want to have sex with someone they feel they have to parent.
07
Need for adventure and diversity
Some desires thrive on excitement and resist routine. There can be shame attached to needing excitement for arousal, as if something is wrong with you for not being content with the familiar. But if your desire requires excitement, the best approach is to embrace it and give it what it needs — just as it would not be fair to fault someone for preferring one flavour over another.
08
Your partner does not actually desire you
Sometimes a person finds themselves with a great partner — caring, functional, a good parent — and still lacks sexual attraction toward them. This is rare, but important to acknowledge. A lack of initial attraction that never developed over time is something that cannot always be fixed. It is a difficult truth that many avoid, but ignoring it does not make it go away.
09
Depression
When one partner is struggling with depression — and possibly using alcohol to numb the pain — efforts to fix the relationship often fail because the underlying issue remains unaddressed. Depression significantly impacts sexual appetite, reducing desire for many things including sex. Medications used to treat depression can further reduce desire. Until these mental health challenges are managed, improving the sexual relationship is very difficult.
10
Performance anxiety
When performance issues arise, desire can begin to fade. The more the issue persists, the less desire there is — a self-reinforcing cycle. Fear about what might happen in the bedroom is a powerful inhibitor. It is natural to avoid something that scares you. While most men typically experience spontaneous desire that is not easily disrupted, performance anxiety is one of the few things that can significantly diminish it.
11
Children
Having children can severely dampen sexual desire — especially when one partner feels tired, overstimulated, and over-touched without sufficient support. Pregnancy and childbirth leave a body exhausted. The constant physical demands of caring for a newborn, including breastfeeding and near-constant contact, further drain energy and desire. Many women need time and space to reconnect with themselves and recover — and that need extends if their experience is not validated or supported.
