— sexual desire
11 myths about sexual desire to stop believing
Myths about sex lead to confusion, frustration, and conflict. By thinking critically and dispelling the most common ones, we can reduce the resentment that comes from holding beliefs that simply are not true.
Marisol G. Westberg, Ph.D., LMFT
Sex therapist & educator
01
Myth
Sexual desire is constant
Reality
Sexual desire fluctuates for everyone — especially women. Women’s desire is affected by stress, motherhood, conflict, and exhaustion. Believing desire should be constant leads to feelings of resentment, disappointment, and the unfair conclusion that a partner is choosing low desire or simply does not care.
02
Myth
Men always want sex
Reality
Men are under incredible pressure to always want sex with whomever, whenever, and wherever. While men’s desire is generally less impacted by external stressors, it is significantly affected by fear of sexual incompetence. If a man fears he will not perform as expected, he may lose interest in sex entirely.
03
Myth
Low desire means something is wrong
Reality
Low sexual desire is normal when there is increased stress or relational conflict. Most people do not want to have sex with someone who is angry, detached, or depressed. The problem arises when a partner interprets low desire as something personal to bypass rather than a reasonable response to the relationship’s current state.
04
Myth
Desire should be spontaneous
Reality
About half the population experiences spontaneous desire. The other half have responsive desire — desire that emerges in response to intimacy or connection. Assuming everyone should experience spontaneous desire breeds resentment and confusion, particularly in long-term relationships where responsive desire is far more common.
05
Myth
Desire decreases with age
Reality
Sexual desire changes depending on what is happening in your life. Aging shifts what you want — but often because you finally reach a place where you no longer feel the need to perform or conform. For some this means less interest in sex; for others, aging brings greater confidence and clearer knowledge of what they actually want.
06
Myth
Desire is only physical
Reality
Sexual desire is motivated by intellect, excitement, harmony, kindness, joy, congruency, unavailability, danger, comfort, and much more. Without understanding this, it is impossible to understand why someone loses desire in a conflictual relationship — and impossible to do anything effective about it.
07
Myth
Desire is the same for everyone
Reality
Desire differs not only between men and women, but between people who are single vs. partnered, insecure vs. secure, stressed vs. relaxed, anxious vs. calm, tired vs. rested. Treating desire as a fixed constant ignores the full range of individual and contextual factors that shape it.
08
Myth
Desire is only about intercourse
Reality
Moving beyond the penetrative/orgasmic framework is the best thing you can do for your sexual relationship. Focusing too narrowly creates insecurity and anxiety when those things do not happen — which itself reduces desire. For many people, fun and connection matter more than the physical goal.
09
Myth
Desire cannot be cultivated
Reality
Responsive desire is cultivated through harmony, rest, calmness, excitement, care, affection, emotional connection, and fun. It does not appear on demand, but it responds to the right conditions. Creating those conditions is the work.
10
Myth
Desire should always lead to sex
Reality
If desire must always lead to sex, your partner will stop being affectionate unless they are certain sex is available — because they will feel they have made a promise. This eliminates the very connection that builds desire in responsive people. Women’s desire is often not certain until she is already in the moment. It is a slow progression, not a switch.
11
Myth
Desire cannot be restored
Reality
Desire can almost always be restored with the right conditions. The exceptions are when a person never desired their partner to begin with, or when the relationship remains chronically conflictual without any change. Desire responds to the relational environment — change the environment and desire often follows.
