— sex therapy exercises

What did you do at the beginning?

Responsive desire opens up with connection, fun, playfulness, and effort — the same things you naturally did when you were first trying to attract this person. This exercise asks whether you are still doing them.

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— read this first

A blueprint for increasing sexual desire

Think about when you first met. What did you do to get the other person to like you — and eventually have sex with you? Did you show up in sweatpants, without a shower, and in a foul mood? Probably not, because that would not work.

We often think that sex should happen automatically once we have secured the relationship. But this is not true, especially for responsive desire. Responsive desire opens up with connection, harmony, beauty, fun, ease, playfulness, and adventure. It does not respond to loyalty, duty, or payback. It does not matter how often you have done the dishes — if you are not creating connection, responsive desire will shut down.

Begin to see your interactions as a series of first dates that are on repeat.

Some people say they are willing to put in the effort if the other person can guarantee a reward. This is not the attitude you had at the beginning of the relationship. There were no guarantees then either — and yet you showed up anyway.

— self-assessment · do this individually

How much of what you did at the beginning are you still doing?

Check the ones you are genuinely doing right now — not the ones you used to do, or plan to do. Be honest with yourself.

I invite my partner to do things with me

I think about what my partner likes and act on it

I flirt with my partner

I show genuine interest in my partner as a person

I try to have fun with my partner

I make an effort with how I present myself

I create opportunities for connection and adventure

I show up with energy and positivity, not just exhaustion

After completing your own list, share it with your partner — not to evaluate each other, but to have an honest conversation about where the effort has gone.

— next step

Pick one or two things to start doing again

Do not try to change everything at once. Choose one or two things from the checklist that you are not currently doing, and commit to doing them this week. Write them down.

Partner A — I will start doing this again

Partner B — I will start doing this again

Check in with each other in one week

— the exercise series

Understanding Your Wounding

How Do You Cope?

Using “I” Statements

Holding Feelings

— want guided support?

These exercises work best with a therapist

If you are finding these exercises difficult to navigate on your own, therapy can help you work through the underlying dynamics at your own pace.

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